A Mother's Day Story

Growing up I always knew I wanted to be a Mother. Other things I wanted to be when I grew up changed, modified and in some ways I'm still figuring those out. But I knew I wanted to be a Mom. I was the oldest of 6 kids and I was often asked to watch my siblings. One summer, when I was 11, my Aunt got sick and my Mom spent a lot of time on the phone trying to find donors who matched her rare blood type. As a result I was left in charge a lot- especially of my one year old sister (who was still nursing for naps and to go to bed at night). I was with her so much that at one point one of my sister's friends asked their Mom, "Where's her Mom?" and the Mom pointed to... my Mom (she knew). But the kid was like, "that's not her Mom." And then when they saw me she pointed to me and said, 'that's her Mom'. Some days were almost normal and others my Mom was on the phone constantly. One of those days my brother (next oldest) realized how much I was doing and how drained I was. He asked what he could do to help and I said, 'well, it's almost her nap time. So if you take her on a walk she should go to sleep.' My brother willingly took her and the first thing I did was went to the bathroom- BY MYSELF. So yes, I've had a glimpse into what being a mother 24/7 was like. Granted my Mom was always in charge at night and my newfound "job" wasn't every day but there were many days. Like I said, it wasn't the same as being a Mom 24/7, but it was a glimpse. And I still loved it enough to want it.

Years went by. I got married at age 26 and even though I had always wanted to be a Mom we decided to wait for certain things to happen first. So I went on birth control. Then before we were planning to start trying I felt very strongly that we had a child who needed to come. Now was the time. I was not scared of becoming a mother. I was scared of birth but that's a different story. I did not have to struggle to get pregnant like many women do. I stopped birth control and within a few months was pregnant. In September we had our first son, George. I had been so scared of the birth process that in the end it wasn't that bad. I did end up with a C-section and knew I needed time to heal, especially if I wanted to try for a VBAC (Vaginal birth after Caesarean) but besides that, I remember being in the hospital thinking, I'm ready for the next kid- that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. But like I said, I knew my body needed to heal, so I had a Mirena put in.

I loved being a Mom and being a Mom changed me. I started out more hands on, but my stubborn son sometimes did the opposite of what I wanted. He'd try crawling off the bed. So one time I placed my hands below the side of the bed but out of sight from the top, intending to catch him after he got frightened by the falling sensation. Well, he crawled off the bed, looked a little frightened and then I caught him and he smiled. SMILED! And then I put him back on the bed expecting that even though he smiled, maybe he had learned his lesson, but he took off right for the edge again and laughed when I caught him again! So I adapted. I stopped trying to catch him. Instead I took all of our pillows and put them below the bed to cushion the floor. He pulled all sorts of stunts and all the parenting I thought I would do, changed.

But I still loved it and after about a year I felt ready to try for another. This time we did not get pregnant as easily. I was hoping it would only take a month or two but we were at 4 months and then we lost our son tragically and suddenly.

I remember nights of wanting to snuggle with him. We used to read books in our bed, nursing  which then changed to chocolate milk in bed, sing songs, look at fake stars on our ceiling and snuggle and then I'd take him to his bed after he fell asleep. But I'd reach for him and my arms came up empty. I started sleeping with his monkey pillow- which was actually the pillow that he loved and allowed us to put him in his crib. Before the monkey pillow he'd fight being put in his crib and always woke up before when placed in his crib. Now, it was the only thing I could hold that made me think of him and helped my arms not feel so empty, but it wasn't the same.

I had always wanted to be a Mother. I was a Mother. And now... I was not. I had no children. We still weren't pregnant. I felt like not only did I lose my child- MY child, but I felt like part of my identity was gone. And then I attended a conference for women with some friends and a lady talked about how Mother Eve was called the Mother of all living BEFORE she had any kids. That simple thing was just what I needed to hear. This is the part I hope you remember. If you want to be a Mother- BE a Mother. Many think Motherhood starts at birth or adoption, but that is not the beginning, just as death is not the end of it.

What does it mean to be a Mom? A Mother teaches, listens, nurtures, supports, helps another reach their dreams and their potential. If you want kids and don't have them- for whatever reason- due to loss or lack of conceiving or being able to adopt or not having a husband- you can still be a Mother. Being a Mother is part of your identity each time you reach out to someone else. Whenever you listen to someone, encourage them, teach someone, comfort someone and nurture and inspire someone else you are being a Mom. Your identity as a Mom is not defined by how many children you have. You are who you are and who you choose to be. But by saying this I'm not trying to say that the pain goes away. If you want kids and don't have them whether due to death, loss, inability to conceive, lack of husband... the pain doesn't go away. My pain at having lost my son did not go away just because I realized I was still a Mom and could be again to a physical child, but it helped. Since Mother's Day just passed this year I just want to say that I admire you- if you're a female- you should be honored on Mother's Day. Hopefully someone is there to acknowledge all the good you do. You are capable of influencing a few, as the humble calling of Motherhood sometimes entails, or many. If no one is there to honor you, I hope you take time to remind yourself of all you are worth. You are more. You are amazing. You are a Mother.

ALL my kids: In order of birth: George- died at almost 18 months (in picture with Christ- sketch done by my cousin); Ben; Elizabeth- miscarriage at 12 weeks (ultrasound picture in bottom right corner of Christ and George picture); and John